Boundaries That Unlock Better Conversations

Boundaries That Unlock Better Conversations 

Welcome back to the 23rd issue of Disrupting Conversations! 

What do you do when you’re giving your all in a conversation, but the other person doesn’t seem to be as invested?  

We’ve all been there before. You’ve put the time into preparing your attitude (mindset), the questions that will deepen the interaction, and reminders to prioritize your listening and learning. But you’re met with resistance at every turn—they seem disinterested, share little in their answers, and ask you nothing in return. This isn’t just a sales problem; we may experience this with a teammate, our spouse, and even our kids. 

Often, the instinct is to try harder and give even more of ourselves, but in many cases, the answer is actually stronger, more defined boundaries. 

With that in mind, let’s talk about how boundaries can actually improve your conversations in sales and beyond. 

We’ve also got a podcast episode to help you set and maintain boundaries. Check out my recent conversation with Kristie on the importance of recognizing what you can and can’t control. 

Breaking Sales is my podcast to connect with those who are ready to break free from the chains of old sales methodologies that don’t work.

Title of Episode:  Your Strength Is What You Can Control 

🎙️While control provides us with a sense of comfort and security, it doesn’t benefit us to keep an iron grip on every aspect of our lives. If you want to create something new, different, or special in your life, you’ll have to learn to embrace things that you can’t control and trust what you can. 

In this episode of Breaking Sales, Kristie and I discuss different perspectives on control, and how to develop a healthy mindset around it. Keep in mind that exercising clear boundaries requires us to let go of our desire to control the outcome of our conversations! 

Think Different: Boundaries that Unlock Better Conversations 

Have you ever found yourself in a conversation that just felt...off? You were putting in all this effort to listen intently, ask engaging questions, and convey empathy and understanding, and the other person just wasn’t reciprocating. Maybe they seemed distracted, aloof, or simply unwilling to meet you halfway.

It's a highly frustrating experience that can trigger a whirlwind of negative thoughts and emotions. 

Maybe you start doubting yourself: Am I not clear enough? Am I being too assertive here? Have I somehow upset them? 

The biggest challenge here is that you’ve internalized their lack of engagement. Once you do this, you’ve discounted yourself. It’s easy to do if you don’t set predetermined conversation boundaries. 

💡I recently saw this play out with a client I coach. He did the pre-conversation work on his mindset to help him prioritize his curiosity and learning and keep his focus on what would be best for the prospect. But his conversation commitment far exceeded his prospect’s. He soon found himself reverting to lots of proving his expertise and overly sharing his experiences. This left him feeling unfulfilled, disrespected, and dejected. 

He didn’t realize that he was actually doing himself and the prospect a disservice. By not having preset boundaries regarding what he was not willing to put up with, he didn’t have the courage or conviction to be authentic and honest. He deprived himself the opportunity to learn, and his prospect the value of thinking differently about their business.   

So, we worked on developing a framework for how to handle these situations. A process for setting boundaries while still preserving—and even enhancing—the quality of the conversation. Here's a high-level look at that framework:

1. He listed what he was no longer willing to put up with: Disinterest, lack of effort, lack of objectivity, and arrogance. 

2. If he experiences any of these, he would remind himself to slow down. When you’re met with resistance or disengagement, the first step is to slow your roll. Take a few deep breaths, get grounded and consciously avoid labeling the interaction as "bad." Introducing that judgment will take you completely off course. 

3. Make one more sincere attempt. Now that you've re-centered, try to re-engage by giving context regarding your question or approach. Say something like "I'm asking these questions because I want to make sure I fully understand your perspective on this." Highlight your intention to learn and desire to avoid making assumptions. 

4. Disengage respectfully. If you haven’t been able to engage the other person effectively, don’t be afraid to let it go: “It sounds like this isn’t the best time to  have this conversation, maybe we should reschedule.” Remember, your time and effort matter, you have a right to politely protect them. 

👉  You’ll find that when you respect your time and effort, so will others. But the reverse can also be true.  

Thanks for reading!

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