When was the last time you felt grateful for tension?

Conversation Positive Tension

Welcome back to the 9th issue of Disrupting Conversations!

Today’s Breaking Sales episode is with someone who is becoming a valued friend of mine—Colin Hunter. Leadership expert and coach, and author of Be More Wrong: How Failure Makes You An Outstanding Leader, Colin’s life’s work is about leaning into our authentic selves and helping others do the same.

👉We also have a deep dive into one of my absolute favorite high-performance concepts, creating and embracing “positive tension,” and how the discomfort is the key to improving and evolving. Finally, we’ve got some humor and an inspirational quote as always.

I hope you enjoy it. Thanks for joining me again, and please reach out by responding here any time you have questions or feedback.

–Dan

Breaking Sales is my podcast to connect with those who are ready to break free from the chains of old sales methodologies that don’t work.

🎙 Positive Tension and Vulnerability with Colin Hunter

When faced with uncomfortable situations, how do you respond? Do you go on the defensive, and let your ego, pride, and biases kick in to protect yourself? Or do you muster up some courage and allow some vulnerability, and use the conversation opportunity to deepen the connection?

Colin Hunter is the Founder and CEO of PotentialSquared, a company dedicated to amplifying leaders’ intrinsic qualities to help them build a culture that is more thoughtful, innovative, and experimental. Colin’s approach is designed to help you overcome the discomfort of tough conversations and navigate the tension for positive outcomes.

In this episode, Colin and I dive into how leaders can accomplish this, highlighting intent and vulnerability. We also discuss how roleplaying is an essential part of leadership development, and give input on how leaders can facilitate roleplaying effectively.

Think Different: Positive Tension as a Catalyst for Change

Tension can be a good thing. 👀 But we often avoid it—to our own detriment.

💡There are two things human beings want more than anything else: control and safety. And consciously or not, we often prioritize them over change that has the potential to enhance our success, health, growth, and lives.

Why? Because change compromises control and safety. It’s uncertain, and that makes us cautious and defensive.

When we consider a change, a little voice in our head often says, "What if you get it wrong? What if it doesn't work? What if you look silly?" The bigger the change, the louder the voice.

👉Tension shows up as a signal that we are entering the unknown. It occurs between the moment you start to debate doing something new and different and the point when you decide to make the switch or stay the course.” You know it’s present when you start to feel anxious, annoyed, overwhelmed, stressed—of all of the above.

This discomfort can show up in conversation with others—a partner, friend, colleague. If they know us well enough or care enough, they’ll ask questions that invite analysis and debate. This kind of thinking causes us tension because it calls into question our typical perspective or biases. In other words, it makes us consider change.

That’s uncomfortable, so we want to shut it down. But, if we understand where the tension is coming from, we can learn to work through it—knowing what we really want may be on the other side.

This tension points us toward clarity and the potential of a better future. It may be uncomfortable, but it’s a good thing.

Creating Positive Tension for Our Prospects

Being on the receiving end of positive tension is a growth opportunity for us. When we create it for others—a loved one, friend, or even a prospect—we provide them with the chance to grow.

Of course, this positive tension must come from a good place—we’ve got to want something better for the other person. We’re not asking to upset them; we’re asking to help them explore what they need.

Think about therapy. It’s a therapist’s job to create positive tension. They’re not judging, not critiquing, not trying to get us somewhere specific; they're simply asking us questions that cause us to debate, think, reflect, and, if needed, reconsider our perspective—for the better.

👉If we want to grow in a meaningful way, we have to let go of some of the stories—and even lies—we’ve told ourselves. We have to experience the tension that comes with lowering our defenses and embracing change. .

In a coaching session last week, one of my clients was talking about a sale he wanted to make to a company. He had made a list of questions to ask the company’s CEO.

Only… All his questions were aimed at driving the CEO to see his point of view.

Feeling coerced or manipulated is not positive tension. It’s negative.

Instead, I asked him, “What do you need to ask the CEO to help him think through the need for change more objectively?" That’s the kind of question that invites positive tension.

It requires a lot of inner work, too. If we are focused on the outcome of the meeting—i.e., achieving the sale we hope for—it is almost impossible to objectively explore the prospect’s true needs.

Instead, start by askingWhat are they hoping for? Is it aligned with what I offer? Do they even need to make a change, or is what they’re doing working for them?

Genuine positive tension is one of the greatest gifts we can give people we care about. But the payoff is big too.

Try exploring positive tension

If this concept is new to you, try it one small step at a time. Next time you notice tension arise in a conversation, pause and ask yourself where it’s coming from and whether or not it benefits you. “What am I attached to? Does this tension benefit me?”
Can you explore that moment with curiosity and consider whether change might be good?

Don’t let positive tension turn you away. Lean into it. And then work on creating it for others.

Laughter Can Drive Performance—If You Let It

When you know to get different results, you need different behavior—but different behavior is scary. Take the leap!

Thanks for reading!

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