The Gift Most People Never Give

Welcome back to the 35th issue of Disrupting Conversations!

With the holidays on the horizon, I’m thinking about the spirit of giving. This comes up a lot in our coaching. Most people believe they need to give something before they can receive anything in return. In sales, this often means feeling compelled to share expertise before asking questions. I would argue that it’s the opposite. The best way to give is to take an interest and ask questions. 

I've observed, through hundreds of hours reviewing recorded sales conversations between our clients and their prospects, that most people think the “give” is when they demonstrate knowledge or experience. However, when was the last time you walked away from a sales conversation thinking, “I’m glad they told me that” or “It was great to hear their opinion?”

If you think back, the conversations that make you feel best are the ones where you feel heard. It’s that feeling when you can say to yourself, “they get me.” That is the gift. 

This isn't just about sales; let’s talk about how this approach transforms the trust and value we create in our conversations. 

– Dan 

Breaking Sales is my podcast to connect with those who are ready to break free from the chains of old sales methodologies that don’t work.

Title of Episode: Empathy Is the Key to Building Trust 

🎙️ We're talking about power of genuine curiosity and creating space for others to think. But what happens when we fail to do this? 

We've all experienced it—a conversation seems to be flowing smoothly when suddenly, energy changes, walls go up, and what felt like a productive discussion comes to a grinding halt.

In this episode of Breaking Sales, Pam and I explore why empathy—not expertise—forms the bedrock of meaningful business relationships. 

Through real-world examples, we examine how true empathy requires us to set aside our own agenda and really listen. 

If you're ready to move beyond surface-level conversations and create authentic connections through better questions and real curiosity, this episode is for you.

The Gift Most People Never Give

Most people get it backwards.

I’ve watched hundreds—if not thousands—of hours of recorded conversations between salespeople and prospects, and the pattern is startling: 90% of the time, they talk far more than they listen. 

The sad thing is, this isn’t new news. It’s as old as sales itself. Worse yet, I’ve found most people are immune to it. Everyone thinks they are good listeners. Yeah, you might be listening, but you’ve got to ask yourself if you’re listening to talk or to learn. There is a huge difference. 

Reflect on how you observe leaders, CEOs, and people who strike you as poised and confident. Do they prioritize telling you how smart or experienced they are, or do they invest in trying to understand you?    

I saw this play out recently with a client who was trying to work through a challenging prospect scenario. The prospect wasn’t connecting my client’s value and expertise, and my client was becoming very frustrated. 

I knew where she had messed up, but I wasn’t sure she was ready to hear it, so I started asking questions. I was able to help her see where and how she had made the wrong turn. 

To double down on my point that prioritizing questions is the true gift, I asked her:

"We’ve been talking for 20 minutes, how many questions have I asked you?"

 "Probably a dozen," she replied. 

"How much of our time have you spent answering them?" 

"Most of it," she said. 

"And how does that make you feel?"

After a thoughtful pause, she responded: "It makes me think and evaluate. I feel a bit of inspiration and clarity."

I asked her, “what would have happened if I just told you what you missed?”

She replied, “I would have spent my time discounting it.” 

This exchange demonstrates something powerful about how we define "giving" in our conversations. I gave her the chance to think and reflect. An opportunity to be honest with herself and come to the solution on her own.  

💡Most people think they demonstrate value by sharing their expertise. But what if the greatest gift is creating space for someone else to think, evaluate, and conclude for themselves?

👉 To do this effectively, we need to find what I call the "curiosity zone." This isn't about asking scripted questions to uncover pain points or challenges we can solve. 

It's about shifting two fundamental mindset boundaries:

1. We have to change our intent. Instead of asking questions to serve our own agenda, our intent should be to:

• Understand someone's experiences

• Learn their perception of those experiences

• Discover whether or not they believe change is worth pursuing

• Determine if they're even ready to listen to potential solutions

2. We need to embrace detachment. There's no such thing as a perfect question or a perfect answer. When we let go of labeling or assigning value to responses, we create space for authentic questions and curiosity.

🚨 So what's holding us back? Through countless conversations, I've identified four main barriers:

1. Fear of asking the "wrong" question

2. Uncertainty about handling the answer

3. Being so committed to validating ourselves that we forget to ask questions

4. The misguided belief that we must give (expertise) before we can receive (information)

The reality is, the greatest gift you can give is to stop talking, stop judging, set aside your agenda, and create space for someone else to think and talk. 

Allowing someone to walk away from a conversation with you feeling as though they’ve been heard is an amazing gift. (And remember, understanding someone doesn’t mean that you have to agree with them). 

Thanks for reading!

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