The Mindset Traps Creating Your Conversation Anxiety

Welcome back to the 43rd issue of Disrupting Conversations!

Today’s topic is one of my favorites, because it’s something that can be improved. When it is improved, so much in your conversations, relationships, and performance changes. With that in mind, I’m going to give you plenty to chew on here. To start, how would you like to let go of that nagging and stressful weight of outcomes and the need to validate yourself? 

Think back, have you ever felt that rising wave of anxiety before an important conversation? Whether it's with a client, your boss, your team, or even a family member, that feeling of unease can cause you to completely overestimate how much discomfort you are about to feel. 

In those moments, we often become a lesser version of ourselves. Our cognitive abilities dim, our listening falters, and our capacity to form thoughtful questions diminishes. The most frustrating part? We're doing it to ourselves.

When anxiety strikes during an interaction, it's rarely about the other person—it's about how we're filtering and interpreting what's happening. We create our own anxiety by fast-forwarding to potential outcomes rather than staying present in the moment.

So, let’s explore how our mindset creates this anxiety and, more importantly, what we can do about it.

– Dan

Breaking Sales is my podcast to connect with those who are ready to break free from the chains of old sales methodologies that don’t work.

Title of Episode: Release Performance Anxiety with Emily Smith 

🎙️In this revealing second part of my conversation with Lappin180 client and top commercial real estate advisor Emily Smith, we dive deep on one of the most damaging barriers to successful selling: conversation anxiety.

Emily shares the remarkable transformation that occurred when she stopped trying to control things that she couldn't, and started creating space for her clients to reach their own conclusions. Her practical wisdom can help you find more fulfillment and success in your sales journey.

The Mindset Traps Creating Your Conversation Anxiety 

I often get asked to share the biggest barriers to having productive and successful sales conversations. It’s anxiety. The answer isn’t that surprising, but the source is. Why? Because it’s 100% self-inflicted. Think about it, you’re in a meeting with a client and or prospect and they…

• Seem disinterested

• Give you surface answers 

• Put you on a spot with a question or statement you weren’t expecting

• Speak positively about your competition 

• Tell you that they don’t have the budget 

As you know, their behavior is outside your control, but you’re reacting as if it isn’t. Here’s what you are doing that adds weight to these common culprits:

1. Outcome Fixation

When we become fixated on a specific outcome ("I need to close this deal" or "They need to agree with my position"), we create tremendous pressure on ourselves. We start analyzing every word and reaction through the lens of whether or not it's bringing us closer to our desired outcome, and we quickly lose sight of how the other person might be experiencing the conversation.

This fast-forwarding to the future distracts us from the present moment, where the actual conversation is happening. Instead of listening and responding authentically, we're stuck in our own mental loop of "Is this working? Am I getting closer to my goal?"

2. Validation Seeking

When we feel a need to impress or validate ourselves in a conversation, anxiety naturally follows. We're essentially placing our self-worth in the hands of another person's judgment.

This need for validation shifts our focus from the substance of the conversation to a performance for approval. We're no longer connecting authentically—we're auditioning.

3. Perfectionism

The fear of making a mistake or saying something "wrong" creates significant anxiety. We filter everything through "Will this make me look foolish?" rather than "Is this the right question to ask?"

This perfectionism prevents us from taking conversational risks that might lead to breakthrough moments. We stick to safe territory rather than exploring the edges of our comfort through meaningful questions or honest observation, which is where the real value often lives. Unfortunately, we end up sounding like everyone else. 

4. Comparison and Competition

When we perceive we're being compared to others (past relationships, colleagues, competitors), anxiety intensifies. Similarly, feeling we're in a competitive situation triggers our fight-or-flight response.

Both comparison and competition take us out of the present moment and into a space of judgment—either of ourselves or others—that interferes with our cognitive abilities to listen, connect dots, and ask further questions. 

5. Discomfort with Uncertainty

Perhaps most fundamentally, we experience anxiety when we're traversing unfamiliar paths in conversation. The unknown creates discomfort and that discomfort registers as anxiety, so we become cautious and hesitant. We pull back on what we are willing to ask and say. Now we are participating as a lesser version of ourselves.

The Detachment Solution

The key to conquering conversation anxiety is detachment—the ability to let go of what you can't control and focus solely on what you can.

You cannot control:

• How the other person feels about you

• Whether they'll give you what you want

• How they'll compare you to others

• The ultimate outcome of the conversation

You can only control:

• How you filter and interpret the conversation

• Your focus in the present moment

• Your willingness to listen without judgment

• Your ability to quiet the incessant voice focused on outcome  

When you truly absorb this reality, something remarkable happens: you become free to engage fully in the conversation without the burden of outcomes. Ironically, this detachment often leads to better outcomes than anxious attachment ever could.

As you practice detachment, you'll notice your anxiety diminishing. You'll start showing up as your full self rather than the diminished version anxiety creates. Your conversations will become richer, more genuine, and ultimately more effective.

For your next challenging conversation, I invite you to notice when anxiety arises and ask yourself: "What am I trying to control here that isn't actually in my control?" Then, consciously let it go and return to the present moment.

Thanks for reading!

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