The Words We Don't Define

Welcome back to the 50th issue of Disrupting Conversations!

Here's a question that might make you squirm: When was the last time someone asked you to define a word you use every day?

I was in Los Angeles working with 20 seasoned consultants, professionals with 15-25 years of experience, many making six and seven figures. We were role-playing conversation scenarios, and I kept hearing the same types of responses from the "prospects":

"We're looking for a more strategic partner." "We need someone more proactive." "We want a partner who will keep us on our toes."

We hear these adjectives constantly. But here's the thing: We're exceptionally good at using descriptive language, but we're terrible at defining what we actually mean.

Think about it. How many times do you use words like "strategic," "proactive," "value-add," or "consistent" without ever being asked—or asking yourself—what you actually mean?

One of my clients proved this point beautifully. During our afternoon session, he had to step out for a prospect call. The prospect said they wanted to "keep their partners on their toes." Instead of nodding along and assuming he knew what that meant, my client asked: "What does that mean to you? Can you give me an example of how that's benefited you?"

The prospect's definition was completely different from what my client had assumed. He thought it was about keeping costs competitive. But the prospect explained it was equally about ensuring they continued receiving innovative solutions, not just cost control. This obviously led to another clarifying question regarding “innovative.” 

That one moment of curiosity changed everything.

This isn't just about sales conversations. We do this everywhere. We describe our ideal employee as "detail-oriented" but never define what level of detail matters. We want our kids to be "responsible" but never clarify what responsibility looks like in practice.

The power isn't in the adjectives we choose. It's in the definitions behind them. And most of us have never been asked to slow down and explain what we really mean.

– Dan

Breaking Sales is my podcast to connect with those who are ready to break free from the chains of old sales methodologies that don’t work.

Title of Episode: Stop Forcing Sales Conversations

🎙️ What if the secret to higher closing rates isn't better techniques, but better preparation? In this episode, Kristie and I break down one of the most common mistakes we’ve observed in client calls: professionals who force conversations instead of letting them unfold naturally. Drawing from extensive study of recorded sales calls, we reveal why experienced salespeople often jump too quickly to solutions, pepper prospects with lazy leading questions, and ultimately sabotage their own success. You'll learn the specific preparation techniques that build confidence to trust the conversation process, how to identify and prepare for your personal triggers that knock you off your game, and why "selling on feel" is just an excuse for poor preparation.

Here's what most people miss about undefined language: besides confusion, it creates false confidence.

When someone tells you they want a "collaborative partnership," you both leave that conversation feeling aligned. You're thinking about regular check-ins, shared decision-making, and integrated workflows. They're thinking about having access to your expertise when they need it, without the burden of constant meetings.

Six months later, you're frustrated by their "lack of engagement" in your collaborative processes. They're annoyed by what feels like "micromanagement" disguised as collaboration. Both of you are right according to your own definitions, and both of you are wrong according to the other's.

This is a trust-eroding, relationship-damaging, opportunity-destroying problem that could have been solved with one simple question.

But here's the deeper issue: we've been trained to believe that asking for clarification makes us look incompetent. We think showing understanding means nodding along when someone uses industry language. We fear that asking "What do you mean by that?" reveals our ignorance rather than our intelligence.

The opposite is true. In a world where everyone assumes shared understanding, the person who asks for clarity becomes the most valuable person in the room.

Consider what happens when you're the only one who stops to ask:

In team meetings: While everyone else nods when the CEO says they want "more agility," you ask what specific bottlenecks they're trying to eliminate. Suddenly, you're having a conversation about real solutions instead of theoretical improvements.

In client conversations: When a prospect mentions wanting a "strategic approach," you explore what strategic means to them. You discover they're actually talking about tactical execution with consistent communication—completely different from the strategic planning you were about to propose.

In performance reviews: When your manager says they want to see "more leadership," you ask for specific examples of what leadership looks like in your role. You transform a vague expectation into actionable behaviors.

The pattern is always the same: The person who asks for definitions moves from assumed alignment to actual alignment. They stop building solutions on shaky foundations and start building them on solid understanding.

This creates a competitive advantage that compounds over time. While others are constantly correcting course because of misaligned expectations, you're operating from clarity from day one. While others are managing relationship tensions caused by unmet (and undefined) expectations, you're exceeding clearly defined ones.

The irony? The people who ask the best clarifying questions are often seen as the most competent in their organizations. They're the ones who are most often sought out for feedback and ideation. 

They're not psychic. They just refused to pretend they understood things they didn't.

Your ability to ask "What do you mean by that?" might be the most undervalued skill in your professional toolkit. Time to start using it.

QUOTE

"The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place."

– George Bernard Shaw

Thanks for reading!

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