Why Self-Talk Reminders Don’t Work 

Welcome back to the 37th issue of Disrupting Conversations!

I was recently working with a group of sales professionals and something fascinating emerged during our role-play sessions…

When asked about their pre-conversation self-talk, every single person defaulted to surface-level mantras, phrases like “stay calm,” or “be confident.” 

But here's the thing: telling yourself to "stay calm" or "be confident" is like trying to stop a flood with a paper towel. The moment your prospect says something unexpected—like mentioning they are happy with their current partner—those mantras evaporate.

Let's talk about why this approach falls short and explore what actually works when it comes to managing our internal dialogue. Plus, we'll examine how detachment from outcomes allows us to stay truly present in our conversations, even when they take unexpected turns.

– Dan

Breaking Sales is my podcast to connect with those who are ready to break free from the chains of old sales methodologies that don’t work.

Title of Episode: Episode 160 - How to Break Free from the Friend Zone 

🎙️ Are you letting your need to be liked get in the way of real impact?

In this episode of “Breaking Sales,” Tim Filewicz and I explore the uncomfortable truth about relationship-building in business. Instead of relying on comfortable conversations and friendships, Tim learned to trust a different approach—one that meant setting aside his desire to be liked, asking tough questions, and a willingness to create positive tension in his conversations. 

Why Self-Talk Reminders Don’t Work

Picture this: You're 40 minutes into what seems like a great sales conversation. Everything is flowing, the prospect is engaged, and you're feeling optimistic. Then suddenly they drop the bomb: "We have a good relationship with our current partner."

In that moment, all those calming mantras you repeated before the meeting—"stay relaxed," "be confident," "stay curious"—vanish into thin air. 

Why? 

Because surface-level self-talk doesn't address the real challenge: our instinct to label situations as "good" or "bad." You see, 90% of your thinking is built from a routine to keep you safe (you can thank or curse evolution for this), so you will default to a listening and evaluation process that is in and of itself attached to “bad.” You have to learn to strengthen the other 10% of your thinking that so often goes unused, and surface reminders just don’t cut it!

The truth is, preparing for high-stakes conversations requires more than just positive affirmations. We need a complete mindset shift that allows us to:

1. Recognize that no single response or outcome defines us

2. View everything shared in the conversation as neutral information rather than good or bad news

3. Remember that the conversation isn't about us—it's about understanding if and how the other person needs help

When we enter conversations focused only on staying calm or confident, we're still fundamentally attached to specific outcomes. This attachment shows up the moment things don't go as planned, manifesting as agitation, disappointment, or frustration.

👉 Real high-performance self-talk isn't about controlling our emotions—it's about deliberately shifting our internal filters and perspective.

Instead of telling ourselves to stay calm, we need to remind ourselves to engage detachment - that no question threatens our identity, and no outcome diminishes our value. Our role is to be fully present and focused on the other person's needs, not our desired results.

This shift isn't easy. It goes against our natural inclination to protect ourselves and control situations. But when we truly detach from outcomes and labels, we gain a powerful edge that alters the path of any conversation: the ability to listen w/ out judgement, ask meaningful questions, and avoid the devastating effects of negative emotions.

Want more insight on effective mindset cultivation and goal-setting? 

Check out my recent conversation with Celeste Moya from Robin Glen on their podcast, “Planning Reimagined.”  

Together, we unravel the often misunderstood concept of detachment from outcomes, and how to reframe the discomfort that accompanies New Year’s Resolutions and goal-setting. 

You’ll learn how embracing discomfort and failure can be pivotal for growth.

You can watch the episode in full at the link below or listen on your preferred podcast platform.

You can tune in here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rIizKEal9K0

Thanks for reading!

Want to know more about the work I’m doing? Follow me on LinkedIn.

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